Whether you are shopping for a harness or just purely curious about strap-on sex, there are a few critical things to know: what shapes there are to choose from, which dildos are compatible with harnesses and how best to move while wearing a strap-on. But before we explore these essentials, let’s define what a harness is exactly.
As its nickname (strap-on) implies, a harness is made up of straps that wear around a person’s hips and thighs, allowing a dildo to be attached to the body in a hands-free manner, thus giving the wearer a mounted penetration device. This is especially useful for women who wish to add to their options in penetrative sex. Men can also use harnesses to create a double-decker effect, wearing the dildo above their own package. This can be great for the woman with a double penetration fantasy, when the couple is not into sharing with a third partner. Harnesses can also ‘fill the gap’ when male erection is hindered by medical or physical restrictions. (This may include erectile dysfunction, diabetes, prostate cancer or removal, blood pressure and heart disease, and some transgender post-operative f-t-m.)
Strap-on’s are most commonly split between two styles - thong (or G) and jock-strap. The thong style has one strap between the legs, like a g-string. The jock-strap style has two straps that each wrap around a thigh, leaving the between-the-legs region open. Both shapes have a strap that sits on the waist like a belt and an O-ring that holds the dildo in place against the pubic bone of the wearer.
Thong harness: (Also called T-strap) People who love the thong style like the familiarity of a panty shape, and often enjoy the pressure against the external genitalia and anus. Those that dislike this style refer to this effect as ‘butt floss’ and may complain about the lack of sexual access to the wearer.
Jock-strap harness: (Also called a two-strap) Folks that prefer the Jock-strap style rave about its sturdiness and its accessibility. This style can be left on through an entire sex session, since no parts are blocked. Some people like it’s tougher or more masculine look too. If you’re considering a heavy dildo, or one with balls, this shape of strap-on will hold onto it best. Those that dislike this shape complain about too much gear and no longer feeling naked with each other.
O-Rings: The size of the dildo, at the base of its shaft, determines the size of O-ring the harness will need to have. A proper fit allows the dildo to stay firmly in place through every kind of movement. Typically O-rings come in three sizes - 1 ¼”, 1 ½”, 2”. They can be made of various materials, the most commonly used being rubber rings, but they are also made of silicone, metal or stainless steel. Silicone rings in the above sizes will run a little wider because they have more flexibility, whereas metal rings have no give at all. Also, rubber rings in colors other than black are often less rigid.
Harness versatility: If you’d like to be able to have the greatest range of dildo options for use with your harness, make sure to buy one that has snaps where it attaches the O-ring. This way you can trade out the O-rings to accommodate different sized dildos and be be prepared for anything. One of the coolest things about harness play is that you have so much versatility, allowing you to alter the shape and size of dildos according to what you're in the mood for right now.
Dildos, or dongs, are harness-friendly when they have a flared base, most often with a flat bottom to better lie against the wearer’s body. Some dildos don’t have this kind of base but are still compatible because the base of the shaft has enough material around it to prevent pulling through the O-ring during sex. Dildos with suction cup bases sometimes work with the O-ring going around the neck of the cup, underneath the toy. However, the weight of the dildo and the action it will see in the harness may eventually tear the suction cup away from the dildo. This reportedly happens usually in the midst of great sex, killing the moment completely.
The number one rule for picking out a dildo for strap-on sex is that the receiving partner should have the most say in the choice. Oftentimes the wearer goes for a particular look, while the receiver is drawn to a shape that appears pleasurable. These two perspectives don’t always match. My ideal solution is to own several dildos in varying sizes, allowing for image-play for the wearer, and penetrative comfort for the receiver. ‘Cause listen, if you want to strap on the biggest, baddest schlong you can find, but your partner won’t touch it, then you’re not having sex! However, if your budget doesn’t allow for multiple dildos, some for package flaunting and others for hot n’ heavy sexing, then the receiver’s favorite wins the decision every time. Period.
The second rule of dildo choosing is to consider a longer version for strap-on use. The harness itself often eats up ½”- 1 ½” at the base of the toy with the O-ring and strap connectors. If the harness play is going to include anal sex, the partner’s cheeks may use up some more of the toy’s length. So if the receiving partner is interested in a full sensation of complete penetration, you’ll need a toy no less than 5” for vaginal sex or 6” for anal play. The girth is up to the preference of the receiver. Again, if you own a range of girths in your toy chest, you can always trade up when your partner asks for more.
Now that you know how to choose your harness and dildo(s), let’s review the keys to beginner harness usage. Keep in mind that the first time is likely to be kind of funny. It’s important to be okay with some silliness as you get used to putting on the new gear and moving in it. Trying the harness on before a sex session will build up your confidence in wearing it. You may like like to look in the mirror once it’s on to check yourself out. Sharing this newness with a partner can build intimacy, but staying playful will help minimize any embarrassment or performance anxiety.
When it comes to using the strap-on dildo with your partner, the most often heard insecurity is how to thrust smoothly. I can’t say I’ve heard young men complain of this transition in skill mastery, but I assume that the first time we are all a little clueless. Men’s natural center of gravity allows an easier learning process, and then years of practice helps make it second nature. Women simply do not use the thrusting move very often in their sex lives. So the female beginner harness user can feel like her hips are warring against her intentions. Again, stay playful, be open to laughing at the newness of it all, and get your partner to let you know when he/she likes what you’re doing. The thrust move is pretty close to the familiar butt clenching exercise. If you throw in the famous squeezing from the Kegel exercise then you’ll be arousing your insides as you penetrate into your sweetie. The movement is really just a tilting back and forth of your pelvis/hipbone. Women naturally move in circular gyrations, but thrusting is like moving in a linear plane. Try to make your movements more back and forth instead of round and round.
As you gain confidence, try out different speeds, depths, and timing of thrusts. The Taoist monks used to teach combinations of short to long, shallow to deep, and quick to very slow thrusting to heighten the lover’s pleasure. But thrusting for long periods of time can be a test of physical endurance. It’s helpful to remember that men have biologically stronger arms, and women have stronger legs. Choosing positions that use your physical strengths will assist you in keeping up with your partner’s pleas for more. Also try variations in positions, which will both demand different angles for you to be moving from, and change up your partner’s sensory experience. If you discover a favorite position that you can’t maintain for a long time, start an exercise routine that builds those sex muscles! And have a whole lot of fun practicing and experimenting together.
Contributed by Jace, staff member and sex educator. Jace is a regular presenter of our Frisky U sex education class series.