You saw it here first! The following are some of my most brilliant ideas, mostly the products of having awakened from a fitful night's sleep, woozy and half-conscious, yet with the entire idea crystallized in my mind, complete in all its brilliance! (That is, I truly astonish myself sometimes...)
Glass Dildo with Built-in Thermometer
Glass dildos possesses a 'mystique' that no other adult novelty has. On the other hand, the "ear thermometer" and other electronic thermometer devices possess the least 'mystique' of any object imaginable. And, as 'pervertables*' they are utter failures. Consequently, it seemed obvious to me (in one of those fitful dreams of mine) that for maximum pleasure when having one's temperature taken, the two ideas should merge! My amazing design features a retro-concept: an alcohol-type thermometer (the thin-red-line type) with scientifically accurate graduations embossed in reverse print, so that the 'dong' also acts as a magnifier, making the graduations extremely easy to read (helping older readers, of course). Fantastic! "Take my temperature... please?!" will be an oft-heard request around the house with one of these residing in your medicine cabinet or stashed in your nightstand by the bed!
*Pervertables - every-day items re-thunk for use as sex toys and such.
Vibrator with Built-in Egg Timer
How many times have you started a three-minute egg - being hungry mid-session during a wild, sexually charged playtime - and dad-burn-it, you accidentally wound up with a hard-boiled egg instead by leaving it boiling too long!? What a downer! Having had just such a thing happen to me and my partner just the other day, ruining the afternoon entirely (OK ... we were having a late breakfast), the solution came to me in another fitful dream like the one before, which ensured such an upsetting and unsettling incident might never happen again! Instead of having a mere speed control on the bottom of the vibe, use the dial as an egg timer! Eureka!!! As an additional feature, the timer can be used to limit sessions (to less than four hours, for instance, in case your lover says something totally unexpected, like, "Have you ever heard that less is more?"), or... well, just imagine all the other insidious little uses and pleasures that a timer-controlled vibrator could add to your sex life!
The Duck-Billed Platypus, Multi-function Dildo/Clitoral Stimulator/Vibrator/Anal Toy/Nipple Stimulator/and Etc.
Rabbits - Move aside!! The Duck-Billed Platypus is taking over! This item is still undergoing secret testing in our "laboratories". More news will be coming very soon! This one is definitely a winner!!!
[Editor's note and update: The DBPMFDCSVATNS&E has unfortunately been removed from testing temporarily, as it seems the Military had been working on a similar device for their own various and nefarious purposes, and they arrived yesterday and took ours away from us until further negotiations can be, well, negotiated. More news later.]
For inquiries, and to invest massive amounts of financing to support this project and any others I dream up, please contact the author. For lawsuits, bitter complaints, editorials, overt attacks on my character and such, please contact Colonel Hadfries of the DBPMFDCSVATNS&E Unit, Dept. of the Army, Fayetteville, NC and tell him I sent you.
. . .
OK, OK, enough of that! All kidding aside, necessity isn't always the mother of invention, and invention is the mother of some pretty wild ideas sometimes, but also is mother of some of the most inspired. Why wait for some inspired genius (like myself) to come up with all the great ideas? Invent some ideas yourself -- or together!
For instance, make separate "fantasies" lists -- one for each of you -- and compare them, inventing ways you could combine them or pull those fantasies off. If you become inspired by common objects around you to turn them into "sex toys" (or "pervertables" as mentioned above), be certain to take safe steps towards cleanliness - wrapping them in a condom, for instance. (The fruit or vegetable dildo comes to mind... And, no, there is no safe way to use a vacuum cleaner as a sex toy!!)
Have an invention (or "pervertables") discovery contest against each other, seeing who can come up with the highest number of twisted ideas! (Only actually try these if both parties are in agreement, OK?) Try some goofy things. I remember playing "tent" once, the plan being to see how sexy and titillating we could make things while staying underneath a large blanket with just two flashlights -- and ONLY two flashlights! (Yes, condoms fit well on most flashlights - hint hint. Cleanliness and safety.)
(What's that? TMI? Really?? Oh. OK.)
Um - that is, I was once TOLD about two silly people who did such a thing!!! (WHEW - almost let the cat out of the bag that time!) I, of course, would never do such a crazy thing as that! (There, I hope that's better!)
Inventing new places where you can get away with doing sexy things is also a fun exercise. And inventing new situations. Keep it legal and safe, though SOME element of risk can make it all the more fun and exciting -- and even just a little bit kinky! (Raincoats, anyone?!)
Golly, there is certainly a lot of potential to this "inventing" stuff!! Especially when it comes to having sexy times! Let your mind(s) roam and have fun with inventing new and clever ideas. Who knows? You might just come up with the next, great DBPMFDCSVATNS&E device yourselves!!!
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