Newcomers to BDSM play who are submissives (or “subs” as they are often called) have discovered an incredibly exciting side of themselves and their sexuality, and have found sensual pleasure possibilities that has them in a complete tizzy. They have had a taste of how good this newly discovered terrain is, and they are hungry for more. In a fervor to find like-minded people, newcomers may ignore warning signs and get into potentially dangerous situations. This is a mental state commonly referred to in BDSM circles as “sub-frenzy,” and is a very dangerous state to be in.
A person in this state can easily be taken advantage of by dangerous people who like to really hurt other people – not the usual responsible sadists and Masters/Mistresses who understand that CONSENSUAL PLAY is the most important rule. These people are predators: they prey upon the vulnerable submissive, taking advantage of their need, of their inexperience, and they then abuse the permissions given to them by the unsuspecting submissive.
I’m not trying to scare you … wait! No, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do!
Please be extremely careful who you agree to play with. Here are some guidelines to find play partners safely:
1) Meet in a public place for the first meeting with no agenda for playing together that day or evening, just to talk and get to know each other. (Note: Do not consume alcohol or anything else that may impair your judgment at the first meeting.) If this person isn’t asking you what your limits are, what you like and don’t like, what your favorite safe words are, what you’ve done before and what you’d like to try, well, they may be people to avoid. Feel it out carefully! If they act like you are supposed to simply bow down to them as your Master/Mistress right from minute one, forget about them! This is a bad sign.
2) Trust your instincts. Instincts help keep us safe. This person may say all the right things, ask all the right questions, but if you get an inexplicable bad feeling about someone, do not engage in a BDSM scene with this person. You do not need a reason to say no. Act like a job interviewer: “Thank you for meeting with me. You’re not what I’m looking for in a Dom/Master/Mistress.”
3) Have a safe-call in place. Arrange a friend to expect to receive a phone call (not a text) from you at various specific times during the evening that you are with the new person. Give your friend the address where you are going to be. If your friend does not receive your call at the agreed-upon time, they are to call the police and have them go immediately to wherever you are, explaining the situation honestly: that you may be in immediate, grave danger because you didn’t call at the time agreed upon. Notify the new play partner that you are using the safe-call system. If they leave or stand you up after hearing that, you’ll be extra glad you set one up! They very possibly were a predator. Your very life may have been in danger.
4) Agree on a specific plan for your play. Agree upon certain scenarios. Be specific about what’s OK and what’s off limits. Things can progress from there, but have prescribed limits set, a plan for what will transpire, and a time that it will end determined in advance. If the first few playtimes go well, more will follow. Dominants and sadists are looking for compatible submissives and masochists just as hard as submissives and masochists are seeking compatible Doms and sadists.
The bottom line: keep that sub-frenzy under control, and keep your sensibilities about you. Play it safe, use reasonable caution. Keep on trying. You’ll meet the right one or ones.